Thursday, June 6, 2013

There Once Was A Ho

Back in 94 was born a girl the world would name a whore, my question is, was she meant to? This is a forewarning to the porn kings who plaster her face on posters and internet pages, my question is, would you too? Would you let the world look at you as you swing around a pole that used to be fantasies of chasing down fires when alarmed and would you let the world gaze and awe at how you use every orifice and bodily part for the price of pleasing the stranger? 

Did you see when she was 16 and her mother spit mean venom in her face because she blamed her for the repeated rape by boyfriend after boyfriend until all hope ends for love. Disney seemed like a lie even while it lied to her, as if this is what a family looks like. Did you notice when she was 10 and her breasts began setting in because her father did. He sold her to the highest bidder because food is a scarce commodity where she grew up but that is OK because WHO CARES about the Sluts. 

This is what she identifies herself as because man after man hasn’t asked for her hand after tasting her nectar. The sweetest juices seduced through the promise of being held, told that this is forever. Now, too old, hair failing to do what the hell its supposed to and she doesn’t chase pleasure, nor pain, just the sustenance she needs in her vanes while family pleads with her in vain but she can’t run away now. “This has been my only friend, the only one that stuck around” when every Tom Dick and Chuck gave up on giving what she flirted out of’em. 

This was a girl, a woman who had love lavished upon her and nobody told her Whore wasn’t a compliment. Why was her friend so cruel as to force the flash of camera’s down her existence, messaging promises of those “good times” we see written on the bathroom stalls. I am stalled, by the thought that the ancestor of Christ was a victim of a rapist, and that God would approve a prostitute to make way for His people. The thought which brings me to halt is whether or not Rahab was a prostitute after that day she set the crimson rope on the window. Was the lady Magdalene ever brought back to her ways by the driving need to survive in a world where sex sells and people pay for the fulfillment of momentary desire? 

Sweat, drips, as she perspires in her prison. Victim to the addiction of self-gratification and she is the object of their obsession. “Well, at least they give me attention.” Sweat, drips and mixed with tears become the only truth she exudes as man after man pays to hear her fraudulent moans, making sure he is convinced his insecurities are not as they are. Maybe by now this has been too long and maybe I’ve gone too far in revelation but the whore of babylon is NOT the whore on the reservation. Strawberry strawberry, too short shawty, easy evil. Maybe too much, but for too long this has been the perversion of human sexuality. 

I am not innocent. I apologize, for the lives I sat and fantasized over while ignoring the obvious ruin on screen. Forgive me, for my hands have caressed too many hips thighs and asses, breasts necks and passes are not given for the strong, manipulative, or even moderately attractive. May there be a covenant between my eyes and the Father that my lustful failures would not transfer to my students, my peers, my children. For too often  we forget, that Brenda had a baby, and that that supposed whore, is still a lady, and not my Private Dancer.

Monday, February 18, 2013

xXxADULTxXxENTERTAINMENTxXx: An Ex-Addict's Diagnosis


Now that I believe I have your attention, allow me to be embarrassingly honest and ashamedly open. I was addicted to pornography for a very many years. It has caused me immense pain and has directly and indirectly inflicted pain upon the lives of those around me. Relationships have been destroyed because my addiction was stronger than I dared admit. At this point, I must apologize to any and every woman in my life. As time goes by and I attempt to bridge the gap between my belief and my reality, my words and my action, I find it necessary to plead forgiveness for not being a Man.

I don't know how long this blog may take, because I have a million things to say about this topic. Even more to say about how God has been involved in the entirety of this struggle. So I will attempt to limit this to 5 or so key points:

1] God Says Porn is Wrong
2] Porn Robs Us of The Natural Beauty of Human Sexuality
3] Porn is Evil
4] Satan Lies, Jesus Wins

I will not go into depth, because I honestly feel this could be a 200 page book if I don't keep it short.

Much of this blog is a result of personal experience and mountains of information I've gone through over the years in my attempts to control my lusts. Videos, books, mentors, prayer, sermons, articles, I have wrestled in this for so long that information just piles up and it is really hard to give credit where it is due, so let me just say that God is good and He is the reason I am Free.

1] Pornea is the word used in the New Testament to describe sexual immorality, basically anything sex that is outside of marriage. Now when did sexual immorality become known as adult entertainment? It is ridiculous to think that the way responsible adults entertain themselves is to be sexually promiscuous. Place that definition on your parents and rightly feel sickened and violated. Those are your parents, they don't belong to other people, they belong to each other. The connection between pornea and pornography is visually explanatory. Simply put, if God says this is wrong, and we believe the Bible is God's Word, the Truth for all of Life, then we need to adhere. We need to change. The purpose of Scripture is to show us exactly what it is we need to see. This should be enough, and it honestly is enough if we truly hold fast to Jesus. However, we are humans and we need reason and convincing.

2] Porn robs us of the natural beauty of human sexuality. Any and every thought of sensuality and eroticism has been perverted and corrupted under the influence of sin. Men and women are being destroyed by the various ideas of sex and the constant pushing of barriers. Women are constantly having their image attacked. They are told they must look and act a certain way in order to please and keep a man. Strangely enough, even men are struck with this same issue. Furthermore, men are made sloppy, lazy shits because they no longer have to work for sex. There is no need to strive after a woman if she is willing to give over her being to him with no promise of commitment. Pornography sends that laziness sky-rocketing to new heights because of how easy it is to access exactly what we are looking for in our dirt ridden minds. We can have any kind of girl in any kind of way and she'll do whatever we want because that is what the website/video is offering. When we watch porn and stimulate ourselves to the images we see, we create a pleasure pathway in our brains. This is biological. Porn produces a short route to pleasure, and we become accustomed to it, even reliant on it, leaving us with NO CLUE what to do with a woman or what Love is or how to conduct ourselves in a relationship. We become endlessly selfish. Men are being ROBBED of the natural beauty of a Woman because of all the false imagery being shoved down our eyeballs EVERY DAY. Women are being ROBBED of the ever fabled Man because the World is promising men all the Gourmet Taste of You for the McValue price. People, marriage brings the promise of permanence. That one woman belongs to you alone. That one man belongs to you alone. ALWAYS. Sex inside of marriage is safe and secure for as long as you both shall live.

3] Porn is evil. Pornographers are not evil. Sex is not evil. Porn stars are not evil. WE ALL NEED JESUS. Pornography is evil, and it is evil because of the lies it perpetuates. PORN IS LYING TO YOU. Firstly, it promotes a fantasy of what sex is. It shows various positions, sexual acts, even acts deemed to be sexual in nature that could easily be considered degrading and/or abusive. Porn shows you the sex you are not having, and tells you you need this. More so, porn says you need to be having sex like these people are having sex, with people who look like this, because this is good sex. Warped ideas of not just sex with multiple partners or genders [or God forbid different species] but even what the human anatomy is. Not every woman is supposed to look that way, and she is very dolled up. Not every man is equipped like these guys, and your penis doesn't make you a Man. When we experience these images or acts, we then begin to compare things in our minds. We think of these things while we are with the ones we claim to love and want to be with. When we begin comparing, we flirt with the idea that we need the highest pleasure and that people are disposable and replaceable for this pleasure purpose to be fulfilled. "She isn't the prettiest. He doesn't have those muscles. She has some weight on her. He isn't as big as my last guy." God looks to the heart of a person, and sex is not the be all and end all of human relationships. It belongs in its proper context.
Secondly, PORN DOES HURT OTHER PEOPLE! It is not a self inflicted wound. It hurts those around us when we can't control ourselves. Spouses are left feeling inadequate to satisfy their significant other, and many consider themselves as the problem, as if THEY are not loving or beautiful or worthy or valued. MORE so, PORN IS LYING TO YOU! Those people on the screen are NOT enjoying themselves. They did not suddenly decide, "Oh, I guess public fornication is my calling in life." ALL of these men and women have souls and families and hurt and pain and problems and PORN is EVIL because WE CONSUME IT. Our consuming of this 'demand' gives financial backing to an industry that is destroying lives all around the world. CHILDREN as young as you dare imagine are being put on camera performing sexual acts. Pornography fuels the 'need' for a sex industry which includes sex slavery, prostitution and pimping. The orgasmic acting on screen is the DESPERATE SCREAMS of Broken People. These 'thespians' are numbing themselves with alcohol and drugs just that they may get through these scenes we consume. Men, these women do not care for you. She is not pleasing you with those sexual acts. It is a falsehood. Pornography is manipulating you into believing she cares that you are watching her, when in reality she doesn't want anybody watching her. If I may go so far as to repeat my opening statement, PORN is RAPE. That person you are watching is somebody's child, and YOU ARE VIOLATING them without their consent or God's approval, and when does God EVER approve of the violating of peoples? Unwanted sex is rape, and millions of sex slaves are forced into a business of RAPE because Man is wicked, perverse, corrupt, and sinful. We must own up to our direct responsibility for the destruction of lives and families world-wide and turn away from Porn. Porn wants your time, your money, and your soul, and it will not stop until you are completely consumed.

Watch Ex-Porn Star Shelly Lubben's Testimony here:

4] Satan is using these lies to keep you from being the AMAZING person God has created you to be. Satan is shaming you with the lie that you are the only person caught up in the struggle against pornography. You are not alone. JESUS CHRIST DIED FOR YOU AND THAT MEANS THIS STRUGGLE IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE, IT IS FINISHED! Satan lies saying you can't live without porn. Just because it has been in your life for so long doesn't mean you need it. Satan is lying when he says you need more porn, harder porn, and that you need to live out these scenes in your life or that you need to stimulate yourself to these images. Satan is lying when he says there is no forgiveness from this. You may have to lose your friends, family, significant other, job, reputation, Everything, but to be FREE and Free Indeed in the Love of God through the Blood of Christ is ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT! Satan says, "You can't say no." JESUS says, "Let me handle this."

Watch this video: Sexual Sin - John Piper

5] THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE! It will not be easy. It will be difficult and you will want to give in. I have to make the conscious choice EVERY DAY, to say no to Porn and yes to Jesus. Purity is possible, and we are already accepted in God's eyes if we believe in what Jesus did on the cross. You do not have to be trapped and under the control of your fleshly longings. Contentment and Self-Control are truly powerful. The fight is going to be constant and will not be easy, but the light at the end of the tunnel is precious. Look to Jesus and cling to Him, seek refuge in His Arms of Love.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."  [Psalm 126:5-6]

"Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep."  [Psalm 127:1-2]

The road is long and narrow, but Blessed. It will be hard and hurt and YOU WILL WANT TO FAIL, but if we actually let God's Word influence our thoughts and dictate our actions, we will find the shame of our past is nothing to who we are today and who we will be when we see Jesus face to face. Take the seed of God's Word, His Promise, His Gift, His Son, sow it in your life, and enjoy the rest given by God. His Peace.

This is the short version. God is good.
Read Joshua Harris' book, "Sex is Not Problem (Lust is)"
Remember that Porn is Rape the next time the urge to watch pornography rises.
When tempted, visualize Satan laughing at you. (thank you Pastor Nikolas Delic)
Remember Jesus is bigger than your sin, better than that temporary satisfaction.
God Loves You NOW, as you are, but He loves you SO MUCH, that He refuses to leave you as you are. He will get you through.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Bookstore Chronicles

Tonight I found myself in the book store on my own. I perused my frequented sections and took notice of three noteworthy moments:

1] I checked out some tattoo magazines. I find my interest in tattooing is fading as I see more and more that most of the tattoo 'media' is basically porn. I actually enjoy the artwork and meaning of the tattoo, and I don't think I want to keep getting more tat's anymore. However that could change at any moment because I am in love with them.

2] I peeked into, "The Tibetan Book of The Dead," and read just one line. The line pointed me in the same direction as every theistic worldview outside of Jesus, and that is to work hard to get saved from death. It hurts me deep in my heart to know all the hope found in the work of Jesus and yet watching a world flounder away tirelessly in vain attempts to get right before it is time to die. Every religion says, "Work and work and work and MAYBE you will make it," while JESUS says, "I did the work so that you WILL make it."

3] In the same sense of pain, I picked up a book called, "Gay Conversations With God." I read through and the most striking truth was the view the public has of Christians in regards to homosexuality. Rather than rant on about this, I'll just let you know that it hurts to think that Gay brothers and sisters in Christ are being ousted, abandoned, and misunderstood. The author made the observation that Christians who should be known for their love for one another, have for far too long been known for just the opposite in regards to our homosexual brethren.

I just needed to get this out before I lost this memory.
This world sucks all the more everytime I think of the pain in peoples lives.
Don't look down on people, just lift them up.
Tattooed, pornographer, religious, gay, or all of the above. God is Love.
God loves us as we are, and He loves us too much to leave us as we are, for He seeks after the heart.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

For My Mother

I got the Gord, my brother got the Lantz
I got the first name, my brother got the last
He got the legacy, and I got the man
And it makes sense because he acts as he did and he looks as I am
Or at least that is what she tells me
That my chest is resembling the man she called her father
And I am the son of that man's daughter
And I thank God because He is the Auther
Without Whose plotting out with His pen, them, then I wouldn't be
See, I'll never know or understand how it felt to have your paw gripped in his hand
How safe and secure that walk once was
I'll never understand a daughter's love for her dad
And as the past stands still, still pulling us back
I understand how time waits for no man
Death is dumb and I am mad
More hurt for her loss than for what I can say is my own
But when a part of you is living outside in some one else,
A part of them dies too when its your time to check out
And the thought of losing people isn't as easy as it once felt
Because there is no more story to be told, this side of Glory, of her and him when she phones
There seems only mourning
Until Morning
The New Day
For the here and now I can stand proud knowing I bare the name
Doubtful I could uphold the weight of it
I'll wait a bit, as long as the Lord allows
In hope that in me, she could be just as proud, as she was of Grandpa.


This is for my mother, and it may sound selfish or more about me, but it is what it is. I am able to express through rhyme so this is what I do. It is about a name, and if I may spin this spiritually for a moment, we find in the Name of Jesus an identity. It is about being brought into a family, being found to have the same Name that belongs to Him, and that is as child to parent, the sons and daughters of God. In the Name of Jesus, we are as He is to His Father, heirs inheriting life.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Take Your Time

I've been on the ledge of love twice, and twice I chose to jump
I didn't fly, not once, because I fell in love
Wings didn't sprout and I did not soar no
Instead I fell down on my heart and now my chest is sore.
I leap in hope, never acknowledging cautions
Precautions are for those men who decipher coded talks
Men are more prone to passion than what would seem
And I have lost much more with these leaps than what is seen
My body
My mind
My soul is not designed to break for the lack of my desire
Therefore I choose to believe I leave these loves for the higher
I am not without scar nor reason
Bleeding is easy when the fixtures of our heart's casing have been damaged in the storm
The vacuous drop
Time again it gets to pumping
My heart
I let loose step by step progressing toward the ledge
I leave caution to the wind to see if perhaps
perhaps this time
this time
This time I'll fly.

Why I fail is easy to answer
I leap alone
Not that my loved ones never loved me no
We just never jumped together
The love of lost vigor, that is to say the love destined not to last
The very essence of the epic that tricks us with swooping emotions
Lacking nothing but staying power or maybe commitment to this devotion
Or the fact of gravity
The World won't allow such things to fly for more than a moment
This thrust must be brought down
Replaced by the stability of two who know they are not to leap and fall in love
Instead, instead they walk together
They take the narrow road
The road less travelled by
Love is not to be forced, our being being sunk into
Love is a journey
Walk with me?

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Abyss is...

§ Enough? It'll never be enough. Passion will consume you. Desire will invade your every thought. There is no satisfaction in this life. Enough? Have you never known the meaning of zeal? Death has zeal, a zeal for life and misery. A zeal for pain and sorrow. He hungers for more with every light of day and every hour of night. For Death, there is never enough. Enough? The Day is coming when it will be enough. That Day brings with it nothing but Glory. No dualism on that Day. No sting nor fear. Nothing but Glory.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Still Water Falls

Stretching out to touch the shore with his future all but sure, he cups the water pure but out from his hand the waters pour.

The proud waves are a man's grave. Deep seeded with sin as he is stuck in his ways. Memories have memorized shame as he takes his guilt trips. Remembering the pain he has caused and the pain he has to deal with. Sad tears reign free as anger clouds swell. In thoughts of loss old fears still dwell.

NOW is the time that god's grip tightens up. The sky clears, the Son shines, and all his burdens lighten up. His Mercy is new and his Promise is true, and he will never be removed from God's calm, strong, steady hand. Time flies quick and he has plenty. NOW is the time to stand still.