I see that which I'm capable of and that which God has placed in my mind and my mouth and my heart and my soul yet upon thinking, I find that this is something to dread. I have pride, it tells me I can be like this, fame and acclaim. The wickedness that exists in me has a way of perverting ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I do, and I NEED JESUS in all aspects of life for that reason.
My wickedness gives me one view while my conviction drives me into another direction. I am lost in hopes of never reaching the age of 80 without Christ coming. How much horror I've seen in 24 years, the least of this have I even begun to comprehend. I sinned distinctly this night in ways no man would see, and one sin is enough to nail Jesus to the cross. How much more would accumulate should I reach 25, let alone 80. How much hurt between now and then.
Understand this, that when He comes all will be made right. I cannot grasp it now, but the thought of living out even another day of sin against God seems too much, I dare not fill a life with it. On this end of eternity, I'd rather God come and banish me now than living 50 more years only to find my fate to be in the furnace with no Savior. The truth is that I could never bare that. Even a moment in the wrath of God is beyond what we can bare in regards to pain.
I fear this future. A future that is spent in service without seeing my Lord. A future replicating those I admire, living a long life, and waiting to see Him come, perhaps not to come in this lifetime at all. I fear this future.